Sharing Your Love and Your Heart

Soul Mates and Making Love Last.
How to prepare for true love entering your life.

Are you authentic? Have you met your Soul Mate? Can you find love? Do you believe in yourself and your values?

To be authentic, according to Merriam-Webster’s definition, is to be “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.” Interestingly, it’s also “to be worthy of acceptance or belief.” But there are times in life when, for whatever reason, we lose track of our authenticity or become fearful of expressing our true selves. This is especially true when we are with our sweethearts or out on a fist date. How does this happen and what can be done to break out of these patterns?

Let’s look at some common experiences and solutions for living life more authentically.

Be true to yourself.
When nervous about an interview or a first date, people always advise, “Just be yourself.” It’s good advice, but we all know it’s easier said than done. We all want to be liked and accepted for who we are. Yet sometimes letting other’s see our authentic self is scary. We are timid and afraid that we are not good enough or may offend someone, instead of relaxed and comfortable with ourselves. Fear of not being accepted is one of many reasons why we often suppress our true selves.

It’s normal and useful to adjust one’s behavior to fit different situations. Being adaptable is important, especially on the job or in any work situation. However, when fitting in means acting in ways that go against your true convictions or beliefs, or not speaking your mind out of fear, it’s time to ask yourself how you can be more authentic in your life. When you are true to yourself your energy is strong and you reflect self-confidence to others.

Recognizing and expressing your genuine behavior is the first step. Learning to take the chance that someone might not “get” you right away is the next one. Once you take the risk to show your true self, be prepared to accept whatever happens with humor and grace. It’s the best way to honor yourself.

Remember, it’s authentic times two when you are in a relationship. Coupling up can be a wonderful experience, but it can also be very confusing when the boundaries between you and your partner begin to blur. Questions to ask yourself are: Have you suppressed your authentic self in order to meet the needs of the relationship? Do you make sure everyone else’s needs are met at the cost of your own? Do you spend all your time picking up the loose ends of the relationship, so that there’s no time left for you? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions then it’s time to get back to get back on track.

The answer to staying true to YOU is to create more space in your relationship. While it’s great to do things together, sometimes it’s even better to do things apart! Set up dates with your friends, take a class or even a trip without your partner. The idea is not to separate entirely from your loved one, but to strike a healthy balance between togetherness and separateness. In this way, you are not dependent on your partner to entertain you and you are establishing and getting to know your special likes and dislikes. Sometimes this process can be very revealing and surprising. Many people in a relationship are afraid to do things separate from their partner. They feel they may do something their partner objects to when out with others, and become very self-conscious and shy. They are afraid of criticism, but are really judging themselves through their partner’s eyes, not their own.

While the brain speaks to us all the time, often in contradictory or negative ways, it’s also important to pay attention to our natural instincts, which can be expressed in the Solar Plexus. A relatively new theory asserts that the Solar Plexus is like another brain. It has both digestive and neurological components. The Solar Plexus can help and guide you with your decision, help you to avoid danger and detect stress. Listening to what your Solar Plexus tells you is one way to get back to listening to your authentic self. Your gut reaction never lies!

You can practice listening to your Solar Plexus by sitting in a quiet place and tuning into the sensations in your gut. Begin thinking about your question. It could be “Should I move in with my partner or not?” Visualize what it would be like if you did or didn’t. Does your gut clench, grip or tighten, or are the sensations warm, soft and relaxing? Soon, you’ll be able to develop sensitivity to what your gut is saying, and it will become your valuable inner guide!

Living life with authenticity is what we all strive for. While it would be great if everyone could like and accept our truest selves, it will never happen. In the end, what matters most is not that the world accepts you for who you are, but that you accept yourself. Only then can you live life freely and with joy! Remember the first of The Four Agreements? (Don Miguel Ruiz) Be Impeccable with your word. The second is Don’t take anything personally.

When getting to know yourself, it is best to set conditions concerning the people you want in your life as well as those who will share your life with you. When you do this in writing, you can keep the rift-raft and dishonesty away from you. Making a list of the qualities you want in a mate is a great idea. If you clarify what you want your special someone to be like (and what characteristics you want to avoid) you’re taking steps to ensure that you wind up with the kind of mate who’s really right for you. But be careful! Many things in life don’t turn out the way we anticipate, and Mr. Right is no different. Or maybe he is! Different from what you expect him to be anyway. Making a list isn’t necessarily a bad idea. But while it can be useful to anticipate your perfect guy’s qualities, the visions we create can sometimes be limiting. Believe it or not, if your mind is married to the fantasy man you’ve dreamed up, then you might miss out on the living, breathing dream mate who’s sitting (or standing) right in front of you.

Make your Mate List and keep it nearby. Be sure that it has positive statements only. Avoid the negative. Your mind does not understand the word “not.” Example: I do not want a partner who drinks excessively. Re-word this sentence to: My partner will be alcohol free.

Three things to cross off your check list:

1. Specifications regarding looks.

REPLACE WITH: I feel attracted to my mate.

2. Occupation and income level.

REPLACE WITH: My mate is independent, secure and responsible.

3. Loves to… insert your personal interest here. (i.e. biking, yoga, cinema, cooking, etc.)

REPLACE WITH: My mate is open-minded and supportive of my interests.

Here’s the deal: You never know who you’ll meet or when you’ll meet him, but if you’re closed off to the wide range of people who could make you happy because your list is too specific and only includes your interests, then you’re really lessening your chances. Not everyone you go out with has the potential to be your mate and they don’t have to. Respect yourself and rely on your instincts, but don’t be controlling and unbending.

Want to know more about when your mate will make their way into your life? Curious if the one you’re with is the right one? Let Elizabeth Joyce shed some light on your steamy nights - and your dream-filled days.

One of the biggest complaints women have about men they meet for the first time is that they lie. As women, we tend to let men get away with dishonesty because we so desperately want to believe in them. But you can have a happier, healthier love life by paying attention to the lies your man may be telling you and holding him accountable. Here are the top five biggest lies men tell - and why they tell them.

She’s just a friend
Is there a strange woman answering his phone? Sleeping on his couch? Spending late nights with him? She probably is a “friend”…but one who he also occasionally sleeps with. Men tell this lie because they want to get the most they possibly can out of all the women in their lives. The “friend” is not good enough to be a girlfriend…but he doesn’t want to end things with her completely in case things don’t work out with you.

I’m ready to settle down
There are two reasons men who are actually not ready to settle down say they are. One is that they think you want to hear it. They assume women are only interested in men looking for a wife and babies, so they say whatever they think will help get them laid. The other reason men say they want to settle down is because they genuinely believe they want to settle down — until they are in the position to actually make the commitment. Then they may suddenly decide it’s not what they wanted after all.

It’s not you, it’s me
Sometimes it really is you. Men aren’t as accomplished as women at the fine art of polite conflict resolution. Where a woman might feel comfortable telling a man she’s not interested, men are much more afraid of direct communication. When he says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” he’s really saying “I’m just not that into you.” First of all, don’t believe it. Take it for what it is, a polite rejection, and move on.

It was a one-time thing
When men are exposed as cheaters, the first excuse they offer is that is was a “one-time thing.” In reality, cheating is usually a pattern of behavior that is rooted in much more than a one-time lapse of judgment. If your man cheats and swears it will never happen again, don’t just take him at his word. You cannot trust that he’ll be honest about something he’s already lied to you about. Once he cheats, it’s over for you and needs to be your signal to move on. Remember the old Irish saying? If you lie to me once it’s shame on you; if you lie to me twice, it’s shame on me.

I’d never lie to you
Even the “good” guys (and “good” girls), stretch the truth sometimes. Whether it’s his answer to “Do these jeans make my hips look big?” or his praise for your mother’s meatloaf, chances are, he’s told you more than a few white lies. Most of these fudges of truth are meant to protect your feelings and don’t necessarily reflect his commitment to an honest, open relationship.

There may be a problem, though, if your man continually asserts how honest he is. If he frequently makes a big deal of assuring you that he’d never lie to you, it may be a sign that he’s overcompensating for his dishonesty.

Other lies to watch out for:

I’ll call you
When a man says “I’ll call you,” we tend to think he means he’ll call within the next few days. But for a man, “I’ll call you,” just means that he’ll talk to you again sometime before he dies.

I just got tested
“Trust me” isn’t good enough for your body. If sexual health is important enough for him to “get tested,” it’s also important enough for him to use a condom anyway.

It’s complicated
It’s not complicated! he has a girlfriend or an ex-wife he is still with sexually, but wants to sleep with you, too.

I’m not really into porn
strippers / bachelor parties / computer porn/ Angelina Jolie
Most women think their man is not that into this kind of thing. Yet the sex industry makes millions every day. You do the math.

Let’s talk about it later
He’s really saying, “Let’s end this conversation and never talk about it again.” (Usually he’s guilty of whatever you are talking about, but just cannot admit it to you.)

Now before you go getting up at arms, there are always exceptions to these guidelines, and we women are far from perfect ourselves. But if your man is uttering any of these common fibs (or fables, since some little white lies can turn very, very dark), it’s a call that should get your attention. That’s what you’ve got to do when you suspect something: Act on your own personal beliefs and end the relationship. A friend maybe, but a lifetime lover or partner, no way! Consider yourself warned.

You talk and talk; you tell him your fears, desires, dreams, what you ate for lunch. He, on the other hand, doesn’t give it up that easily. While you’re a constant stream of thought and feelings, his conversation often runs dry. You often wonder what’s going on behind those eyes. And you want to know, how can you get him to open up?

The truth is, males aren’t brought up to talk about their feelings, so when you ask him to talk about what’s going on inside, it often doesn’t compute. Men hesitate to talk because they are afraid that they won’t say the right things or they’re concerned that they won’t express themselves in the right way. Find It, Keep It, Make It Last. Men bite their tongues because they’re afraid of being vulnerable and criticized.

Men need to feel safe in order to let their guard down. With loving praise and the right prodding (i.e. the tips below), you can get your special man to unlock the door to his fortress of solitude. Be ready for an earful!

Timing is everything.
Feel him out, if you want to talk and he’s stressed out, it’s better to give him space. If there’s something specific you want to address and he’s an early riser, you may have a better chance of talking if you approach him while the birds are still chirping. Finally, don’t start an in-depth conversation in a crowded nightclub where the music is booming. Choose your venue; Perhaps, a quiet park or a remote table in a restaurant. A quiet, private breakfast conversation works as well.

Engage in activity.
Men are more into action so you have a better chance of having a heart to heart talk while doing the laundry or fixing dinner. The most intimate conversations sometimes happen while both people are doing chores that are mundane. The point is, you want him to be relaxed. Post-coital is also an option since sex in itself is a bonding activity.

Listen!
If you’re talking, you’re not listening. This is a hard one to remember girls, but if you keep interrupting him to express yourself, he will likely retreat into the infamous cave. Give him room to gather his thoughts, speak his mind. Also, it’s not time to multi-task when he finally has decided to open his mouth. Be attentive. And if there’s silence, don’t jump in, have patience and let it be. Some people are uncomfortable with the pregnant pause and rush to fill it with inane jibber jabber. Let silences happen. Allow him be the one to fill the silences. Gently ask questions, this shows that you’re actively listening and it may draw him out.

Don’t rush to judge.
He’s finally talking so it’s best not to react negatively to what he’s saying. Many women listen to the stories that men tell only to respond by telling him how he’s been looking at it wrong. Remember, he wants to feel acceptance and acknowledgment — for who he is and not for who you want him to be. Plus, you want him to be honest right; say what is really on his mind and in his heart? If you defend yourself, scrunch your face like a prune or gasp in horror, you will likely affect his feelings of safety. Be patient with him and try to let go of your expectations. Instead, use your body language in a positive way. Nod. Smile. And yet be genuine too. Thank him for having the courage to share with you. This will bring strength to the relationship and open a door for further close conversations down the road.

Let Go of The Past.
Have you ever had a “discussion” with your partner that ended up turning into a litany of past grievances. You suddenly recall that hurtful thing he told you the other week. Men cringe when they feel this coming. They fear that their words are going to be held against them so they keep their lips pursed. The past is done with. And as frustrating as he makes you feel, remember it takes two to tango. It’s more useful to notice the roles being played in the relationship and the ways in which all of us become stuck in patterns that we don’t know how to get out of.

Set an Example.
The best way to help a man open up is to open yourself. Speak from the heart. When we engage in a discussion, the objective should be the ‘greater good.’ You’re not bringing up something in order to criticize, but because you want to break patterns and evolve your spirit. Right? The people we attract in life serve as mirrors; they reflect different parts of ourselves that need addressing.

Always remember the love! Use kind words and genuine praise.

You’re at a party - you see an attractive stranger across a crowded room. Could this be your Soul Mate? In an instant, you feel strangely drawn to them yet something in your “gut” says it’s not right. Something in your “heart of hearts” tells you not to follow that powerful pull you feel towards them, and yet you can’t quite help yourself.

Moral of the story - you should have listened. (You fill in details of the heartbreaking, stomach churning drama that ensued.)

We’ve all heard that “you gotta listen to your gut reaction” and “follow your heart” but did you know that your Solar Plexus and Heart Chakras do, in fact, act like another brain in your body? That’s right - there are neurons in your digestive system and deep in the chambers of your heart that create another seat of intelligence from which to draw upon, and the having to do with decision making all day long. They are called your instincts, but are really the sensitive part of you that bring you relationships that you “recognize” from a past-life or perhaps from a former present-life love experience. If you can correctly tap into what your own Chakras are trying to tell you, you can know just what to do in your love life! (Working with Chakras communicate with the parts of the brainThe Chakras and Your Body CD can enhance this sensitivity for you.)

The challenge is that the whole attraction process occurs in a non-verbal way. Getting the powerful information your own physiology is trying to share with you to your brain cells, so that you can understand and decode it, is often confusing. Yet this is the key to making healthy choices.

Elizabeth Joyce hopes that this first installment of Sharing Your Love and Your Heart will help you have more of a “stomach” for love, and allow you to receive all your heart desires. So join our Monthly Subscription Pages and become enlightened. Future articles regarding your Soul Mates and Making Love Last will be in the Subscription Pages only!